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Post by Bazz on Jul 24, 2008 7:44:41 GMT -5
On here I want you to put your best jokes. I've had one through a text & got to share it.
Sorry ladies
Nasa launches a rocket with 2 monkeys & a woman on board. Houston to 1st Monkey Adjust oxygen level to 40% & carry out post launch checks
Houston to 2nd Monkey Throttle back, power down engines &adjust anti-gravitational shield.
Houston to Woman Feed Monkeys & touch FUCK ALL.
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Post by Bazz on Jul 26, 2008 4:04:17 GMT -5
A man takes his wife to her 30th school renunion. At a nearby table is a drunk, all alone.
"Who's that". He asks
"My old boyfriend, he started drinking right after we split up & he hasn't been sober since".
My God says the husband. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long !!
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Post by Synthinator on Jul 26, 2008 6:14:29 GMT -5
A woman was feeling insecure about her breast size and wanted her husbands honest opinion of them.
She asked her husband if he thinks her breasts are too small. "Absolutley" replied her husband, "but don't worry I know of a method that will make them grow bigger in no time at all"
"Really?" said the wife "What should I do?"
"Well, you just take this tissue paper and rub it between your breasts several times a day. Before you know your breasts will start to grow bigger every day"
The wife willing to try anything began rubbing the tissue between her breasts everyday. Then out of curiosity she asked her husband "Are you sure this will really work?"
"Why not?" said the husband, "it worked on your ass".
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Post by Bazz on Jul 28, 2008 6:35:31 GMT -5
Boy asks his mom. "Do birds have detachable parts" ? His mom says no & asks why ??
The boy says "I just heard dad say he was gonne screw the arse off the bird next door" !!
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Post by Bazz on Aug 1, 2008 9:30:51 GMT -5
Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?
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Post by angel123 on Dec 23, 2010 2:30:11 GMT -5
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
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Post by lazson on Dec 4, 2012 7:00:02 GMT -5
A fruit conversation........ Apple: I look like the human heart Mango: I look like a stomach Grapes: I look like eyes . . . Banana: I hate this game ;D
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